Reversal

After only 6 months of semi peace, my world would get turned upside down yet again.  I picked my kids up on a Friday at the appointed time.  Only 3 hours later my 2 boys got into an altercation.  I had my wrist strapped up due to issues with it.  I had limited strength.  Now I went to punish both boys with a spanking (yes my house believed in it so no judgement).  My youngest was first and I pulled his pants down and spanked him, then my other son was next.  Only when I pulled his pants down I starred in horror and started screaming for my husband to come look.

His whole entire rear end was covered in different colored bruises.  Now while I believe in spanking I have limits and rules.  I never left any marks on my children what so ever, end of story.  I packed him up and immediately drove to my parents house…. I had to run the situation by them.  I knew how it would look if only 6 months after the end of the case where he drug me through court, I started accusing him and dragging him through court. While trying to keep my husband and my dad from heading out to beat my ex to a pulp, me and my mom agreed on how to handle the situation.

I headed to the closest ER.  I told them what I found , when it was found, and the circumstances that it was found in.  I also told them I refused to place blame on anyone due to the recent court battle, as I did not want anyone to confuse justice with retaliation.   I told them I wanted my son tested for the gene that causes easy bruising and if it was negative, then it was up to them to decide who had done this to my child.

Long story short, my ex ended up pleading guilty.  I was told that my son had been repeatedly spanked for getting up in the middle of the night to pee and missed the toilet, he was 5 yrs old.  No offense but that was not a spanking that was a beating, there is a difference.

My ex talked his way out of counseling, and at the end of his 3 yr probation got his full visitation rights back.  I let my children forget the events that lead to me having full custody.  I knew that the remainder  of the time before the kids turned 18 would be hell as he was never going to let up, yet at the same time I was hoping that like me he could choose to be a parent and let go of his tirade to make my life miserable.

New Marriage

Our marriage was never blessed with the honeymoon period.  Thanks to the interference of my ex and/or his family.

Not long (less than 6 months) after we were married I was drug into court.  Someone had made accusations that my husband was doing terrible things to one of my children.

Now do not think that I was the naive mother with the attitude that this would never happen.  We all have seen the news on how it can happen and the mother would never know.  It was a very emotional roller coaster that I went on.  While trying to hold on to the thought that there was no way that the man I loved would ever do this, I held in the back of my mind “what if I am wrong”.   While the facts of the situation were coming to light, it became quickly clear that he did not do anything.  Also it came out that due to the fact that I had wrote the divorce papers in a way that prevented child support (on either side) because we were supposed to split the cost of raising the kids (which I did), my ex wanted money since i bought clothes and sent them, bought school supplies, and anything else they needed, he never saw any money directly as at the time of separation he would throw money away on anything he wanted.

This whole process took over a year.  During that time my ex (or who ever started it) was not happy that it was taking so long, so they made more accusations that supposedly had just occurred.  This time my husband was no where near the area they proclaimed, he was over 4 hours away at work.  Although  seemingly a turning point it did not turn around right away.  First I had to endure a few more months of hell, due to the fact of how our attorney situation had taken a turn and the judge did not care that we had a cop and a social worker on our side.

While waiting on court dates we found out that one county’s social worker found him guilty due to a chart.  The chart gave numbers for things like was mother/step father adopted, any criminal background issues, etc…. the fact that I had been adopted as a toddler, my husband had a couple of DUI charges from a couple of years before we met, I had a domestic deferment from when me and my ex were together, she determined he must be guilty.  We  ended up filing an appeal due to this person’s method of evaluation, she did no interviews.

When the court date arrived, we had gotten her report removed, and another county’s cop and social worker showed up to help us out.  We finally won!  Over a year of battling and a couple of thousand dollars later.  This was not the end… only the beginning of the things to come………

Round 2

I met a man who held the same values and ideals as I did, but acted and reacted completely opposite of me.  Several people said we would fail, but we did have many people rooting for us.

After we met my own family started to come around and realized they had been told lies.  I moved back with my parents, but it was more temporary than we realized.  This was around Thanksgiving, and I was looking forward to having my kids for Christmas.  After just a couple of weeks with my parents it was clear that having the kids there was not going to work for them.  It is not that they didn’t want them or that they didn’t love them,  it is the fact that my parents are really my grandparents and with my father’s PTSD the disruptions for more than a couple of days was not a reality.  They could handle a couple of days but not 2.5 weeks that I wanted.

My new man knew all about this and even though only together only a short time, offered his home so that I could have the visit that I wanted.  The offer was till good even after he was told that my parents would not let me back in there home if I lived with him for that long a time.

Christmas visitation went wonderful.  My man’s family was even super supportive.  In a year’s time I got pregnant, engaged, divorced and remarried.  Yes in that order.  My man and his family accepted me and my children as a part of the family.  This meant the world for me.  I felt as if my life was finally going to go as it should, despite the way that it started…My kids loved the man I married and he loved them as much as he loved the son I had just given birth to.

Wild Days

Now the time after I left my first husband is something of a blur.  It only covered a period of about 9 months.  I would say that I definitely was not a saint during that time.

I stayed with a friend at first, at least until I could find a place to live.  I had the kids, and told my ex that he could have them every weekend or on other times as he wished.  I promised that he would not loose them.

I went to the bar with my friend every weekend that I could get him to take the kids.  I would drive them to the next county to see him, and several times he didn’t want them.  One time he told me that he could not have a life if he had the children.

I lost my car as it broke down, then I lost my job.  I ended up needing to travel to another state where there were possibilities of a good job.  I asked my ex if he could watch the children just while I was out of town and he informed me that he would only if I would pay him to watch them, like a babysitter or nanny.  I was furious as these were his children as well.  In the end the trip was moved up suddenly and since I didn’t have the money to pay him he agreed to sign paperwork allowing me to take them out of state with me.  During my stay I lost my apartment, due to some bad decisions on acquaintances.

The job did not pan out as planned, but my friends were very supportive.  I still had a roof over my kids heads for as long as I needed it.  The only problem was that due to the fact the roof was in a government controlled housing, no one could find out I was there.  My ex’s family found out and used that fact to force my hand in handing the children over to them, at least temporarily with them wanting to go after a permanent control.  They were splitting the kids up, one with my ex and one with their grandmother.  I could not fight them at the time due to the fact that my friend would loose the roof over her own child’s head.

This time in my life I went over the edge.  I did what I wanted when I wanted it, and I don’t mean in a good way.  My children held me together, and I did not have them.  Even my own family had turned away from me, due to rumors that someone was telling them.  These rumors were not true, until I lost my children, and even then some still did not come true.

At the end of this era in my life I met someone who would forever change the outcome of my life…..

First marriage

When I left for college I did what most do when they lived with strict parents.  I went wild.  I was taught not to drink, smoke, and wait for sex.  I was never taught moderation just abstinence.  While I started these things while at home, when I went to college I did not have to hide anything anymore.

I fell in love with the first guy I got with.  That along with the fact that I got sick during the 1st semester, I failed my first semester.  Then I got married during the Christmas break, against parents wishes (remember I didn’t trust their opinion at this point).  I got pregnant during second semester and was really sick, and failed second semester in college. It was during this second semester that I realized I had married an abusive man.  Unfortunately due to the nature of my relationship with my parents, I felt I had to hide this fact from them.

I gave birth to a health baby girl. I proceeded to go go work as soon as I could to get some income into the house.  My husband’s work was very sporadic as he could not hold down a job.  He was practically non-existent in my daughter’s life.  He was more worried about computers and his gaming.  He was still abusive, mostly verbal but physical if verbal did not work.  I never had any bruises that would show anyone about the situation.

While raising my child practically solo I decided to go back to school again when work was not consistent enough, he had lost me several jobs due to his persuasive nature of having me miss work. It was during this time that I was half-way through the semester when I was so tired that I could go to sleep at 6pm and not be able to get up at 9am for school, I was pregnant again.  The problem with that was that I had been just about strong enough to leave him.

I once again felt trapped.  My parents found out about one occurrence of abuse during this time but listened to me when I convinced them it was only once. Also once again I failed the semester. He went to jail once for driving on suspended license (unpaid speeding ticket) and wrecking someone’s car.  He was released the day i gave birth to my son. Unfortunately nothing had changed.  He was still abusive and I was raising my kids alone.

He started to straighten up at one point, and was enrolled into a work experience program with me to obtain a stable job.  At this point my parents bought me a car with the condition that he give up his license, he had bad vision and caused wrecks.  I once again attempted school. He did not last long at being good.  I was juggling going to school with 30 hours a week work.  I also had to drive him and the kids everywhere.  He even would insist that I cook dinner after getting home from a late class, and his mother had even provided microwave meals for him and kids but that was not good enough for him.  I ended up with pneumonia, doctor said it was from being stretched too far.  The only good news was I only nearly failed that semester.

Due to the illness, stress, and other factors I lost the temp job I had.  It was at this point that I was over him completely and ready to leave regardless of all the ‘horrible’ consequences.  I say horrible because in a situation like this your mind goes to being homeless and having your kids taken away, and what ever else you brain can tell you will happen to you.

I still remember the day like it was yesterday.  I used the day before to plan where to go and how to tell him, I just didn’t know exactly when would be the right time… what I didn’t plan on was the scene that would greet me.

I had spent the night with an old friend that he approved of.  When I got home that next day I  first was checked on the kids.  My oldest had a hand-print on her leg (she still wore diapers at night and still had it on).  When I asked him he said “I guess I was mad at you and spanked her too hard”.  At that point I just shut up, asked if he wanted to take a ride, and went back to town.

I dropped him off at a mutual friend, because I “forgot” something.  I went to my friend and told them I would be ready to move in that afternoon.  I went back and got him and took him home.  I left the kids in the car.

I went inside with him and told him.  I made him call his mom and tell her, this is because anytime he thought I was going to leave he would threaten suicide.  As I knew she would she said she would be right there.  I told him that as long as he gave me my divorce I would never tell his mom about the mark on his daughter.  I also said that if he started the suicide crap it would not be my fault, and his mom would be the one to find him.  I left.

This was the end of my 4 year nightmare…. or so I thought

The beginning

Growing up I was not the normal child.  First I was adopted to an older couple within my biological mom’s family.  Then if you add the fact that the couple was not just a little bit older, but almost triple my biological mom’s age.  My biological mom was only a teenager when she had me. 
Due to the age of my parents I was raisd in a very strict household.  Even the most simple of things were prohibited due to a combination of age difference and incorrect information.  For example:  I could not stay after school for any kind of tutoring because drug dealers hung around after school, I could not go to friends houses or talk for more than 5 minutes on the phone because I had plenty of time in school to do socializing, Dad controlled the TV, Mom controlled the music.
Now I am not saying they were bad parents, just too strict.  Due to this I learned at an early age to lie and sneak around just to do normal kid things.  Of course when you have to resort to that kind of behavior it never ends there.  By the time I was 16 I had started smoking cigarettes, drinking, sex, and dating the wrong kind of guy.  My parents had no idea, and it was not because they didn’t watch me or notice things about me.  It was because by that age I was really good at hiding things. 
Before the wrong guy I had a several normal boyfriends that they never approved of so the relationships were a disaster from the beginning.  I even dated a preacher at one point and I now think that when they disaproved of even him, I stopped listening to their advice. 
Due to this strict upbringing, I had had enough when I turned 18.  After a big confrontation over a speech tournament,  I moved out and in with a friend of mine and her family.  This also turned into a disaster as the father was a huge pervert.  It took several months for me to figure this out and go home.  With the help of a few family members interviening on my behalf I finished the school year in a semi normal fashion.  Unfortunatly for me it was already too late.  As my future blogs will show how this impacted me for years to come.
Now I am not making excuses for my future decisions.  They were my mistakes not my parents.  The reason I include this section is to show how both a too strict and a too soft upbringing can have an impact on a childs ability to see the rational options around them.  This is the philosophy I used when I started raising my own children, and had I been able to stick to it I might not have had a few hiccups that I have had. 

PS… sorry for any misspellings as I am trying to type on my tablet for the first time and I am too tired tonight to proof read.

Personal Blog Start

I created this site when I was in an English class in college.  Since then I earned my Associate degree and I am currently perusing a Bachelor’s degree. I have had a whole lot of trials during this time.  Unfortunately recently the sheer number and type of problems were overwhelming.

Since the beginning of the bulk of it I have been sitting in a pool of worry, pain, and self pity.  As I was sitting one night I decided that others may experience some of the things that I have went through and am still going through. So I decided to re-open this blog on a personal basis.  I just hope that those who read this do not have as many horrible things happen to them as I have.

English 200-final analysis

My time in my English 200 class has been a memorable one.  I have really loved taking part in the peer driven learning process.  One might ask what I was actually able to learn from this class.  This is a fair question that I am here to answer.

This class took the pressure of the grading system away from me.  As long as I completed the required assignments I was going to get a B.  We all know that a B is a decent grade to get, especially in calculated a GPA.

I am not one to sit around and just be given a grade.  I have always pushed myself harder than anyone else.  Even to the point that when I have taken part in group projects I have been called pushy, overbearing, nagging, etc…

I have written these blogs almost weekly now and hope that I am beginning to convey my feelings on various subjects better than when I started this semester.  I say this because I feel that I am able to.  So personally I do feel that my public writing has gotten better because of this class.

I also took part in a group project in this class.  Now the comments that I have always received, as stated above, were not said to me during this project.  I do not know if it is just because they did not think it or just didn’t want to say it.  It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  Due to the safety net of our grading system our group chose to create a website.  I have done similar things in the past but never from start to finish and I never have taken credit for it let alone present it to a class.  When I was done I actually felt good and knew that I had actually accomplished something great.

What have I learned this semester?  I have learned that you need to take a few chances in life and put yourself out there to find out if your ideas have any solidarity.  I also learned that practice really does help in any skill.  Would I participate in this kind of class again? Yes, everyone needs this kind of class because it helps you find out who you really are inside, not who you present to everyone on a daily basis.

Are humans Good or Evil

Now I know that there are people out there that will disagree with me on this topic.  You have those who study this kind of thing and they basically say that humans are born evil and have to develop into a good person.  You also have those that say humans are born good and learn to be evil, these usually are of the religious nature.

I personally believe that a human is born neutral.  We are born a clean slate ready to be molded by the world around us.  Now I know that you have what people call bad seeds.  Ones whose parents are really good people but their children turn out bad.  I don’t mean that the parent’s necessarily are the ones that molded their child that way.

There are many factors that can contribute to how a person turns out.  You have family, neighborhoods, schools, religion, medical, television (including news), the stranger passing through town, books, etc… As you can see everything that is in a person’s life can contribute to how they are molded.  Because of this you may not even know what really the defining factor was as it could be one or many.  I included medical because how your brain chemicals work have a deciding factor in how you process some information.

Like I stated earlier many people would argue with me on this subject.  I have realized that when it comes to the human mind it is really complex.  We could study it and make theories as to why people are the way they are, but in reality we are only scratching the surface.  Just like the English language you have the rules that define it, and then there are the exceptions.  That is the way we treat the human mind.  Unfortunately we should all realize that yes there are defining factors in our life, but we all view these factors differently and that leads to being molded slightly different than the person next to us.

College Sports

Today’s subject is college sports.  I will have to say that when looking at this program I am the type to see both sides of the situation.

 

First we have the advantages that an athlete can have.  Full paid scholarships which helps offset the cost of a higher education. This benefit allows kids who would not be able to afford going to college the chance to better themselves.  Enhancing their skills in their sport of choice.  This allows the athlete the chance to get more training if their sport also has a pro option.  It also helps get their name into the media if they are on a good team which also helps with getting into the pros. These athletes have immediate knowledge and access to all their colleges help systems.  What I mean by this is that they get tutors and extensions on due dates, especially if they are traveling for a game.  I am sure there are others at some colleges.

For colleges it gets their name out into the media.  Colleges that are otherwise unknown get immediate recognition when their sport wins at anything.  Also they get revenue from selling their collegiate merchandise.

Here comes the down points to this system.  In some colleges the regular students get to watch their athletic classmates get special privileges from professors.  Some athlete get injured during college which hinders their playing abilities and in some cases ruins their scholarships.  While others only attend for the amount of time needed to go pro.  This hinders the athletes ability to learn.  Some colleges even make huge amounts of money off their athletes even for years afterward while the athlete themselves get absolutely nothing.

I am not an athlete so I don’t know everything.  What I do know is that someone needs to really take a look at the system and make a lot of changes.  I also know that it is really doubtful that they will ever get rid of college sports, but can we really continue as we are?  I don’t think so.  There are more regular/nonathletic students now more than ever.  I don’t think that they will sit by for the special treatment of athletes.  Also athletes themselves are getting tired of being used for money that they never see.

We are in a time of change.  I think that this will be one of the things that will change, and lets hope for the better choices during this time.